Blarry Hotter and the Monotonous Cone
by KeiraGrange
Summary: Blarry Hotter lives with his repulsive Aunt Balloonia, Uncle Vermin and Fudley Durr-Silly at No. 4 Hedge Bush Drive. When Blarry thinks he's had enough, he recieves an intriguing and mysterious letter from a place called Pigboils...
1. Living In A Cupboard

**_Hi Guys,_**

**_Here is a parody of the story we all love: Harry Potter! But, with a twist! Get ready for Blarry Hotter and the Monotonous Cone!_**

**_.KG._**

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Blarry Hotter and the Monotonous Cone

It was an average, dull and outright bland day at Number 4 Hedge Bush Drive in Small Whining in London. The sun made no effort to shine extra brightly on this side of town, and no one could blame the extremely large burning star. The reason this was so, was because it was the residence of the Durr-Silly family and there was no other place in the world that suited them better. The Durr-Silly's were as boring, monotonous and bland as cold toast on a humid day. That was why Blarry Hotter, (the only Hotter in the house, mind) didn't belong there at all. Blarry Hotter was 10 years old, had messy jet black hair and emerald green eyes and always got words starting with 'm' and 'd' mixed up with 'b' and 'p'. He was quite attractive compared to all the other 10 year olds in Small Whining, which wasn't much to compete with. The only other competition was his cousin, Fudley Durr-Silly who was the dimmest, most selfish boy that anyone could ever come across, and he didn't really have anything going for him in the looks department. Blarry, on the other hand, did. The only thing that brought down his appearance was the cloud-shaped scar on his forehead. So, if you included his hideous scar, he wasn't really that attractive at all.

Blarry sat in his stair-cupboard for a bedroom, quietly playing with his hand-me-down set of cowboys and Indians. Suddenly, several loud and hollow "BANG!'S" filled Blarry's ears.  
"BLARRY! Get up boy!" Blarry's Uncle Vermin bellowed. Blarry lived with his uncle and aunt as he had no parents. He was told by his Uncle Vermin and Aunt Balloonia that they both died horrific and bloody deaths in a tram accident when Blarry was one year old. Blarry, out of the 30 people on the tram, survived.  
"Blarry! I said get UP!" Uncle Vermin yelled. Blarry rolled his eye (his other one couldn't be bothered) and pulled on his favourite pair of pink candy-striped boxers (which once belonged to Aunt Balloonia) and a large blue shirt that Fudley outgrew. Blarry ears throbbed as he heard his cousin Fudley thunder down the stairs. He wasn't surprised; he was bloody humongous.

"It's my birthday! It's my birthday! Hahaha!" chanted the post-pubescent Fudley as he ran around excitedly in his Spongebob Squarepants pyjamas. Blarry raised an eyebrow. Surely, it was time for Fudley to get a life and move out. After all, he was turning 24 and still living in his parents' house.  
"Oh, it's my widdle Fuddy-Duddy!" Aunt Balloonia cooed and tickled her repulsive son under the chin. "Blarry, look after the bacon!"  
Blarry sauntered into the cream-tiled kitchen that sported ugly brown flowers and stained glass windows, and picked up the spatula and flipped some of the greasy flaps of bacon in the pan.  
"Don't you burn it boy!" Uncle Vermin threatened as he turned the page of his morning newspaper.  
Blarry secretly wished that he could burn the bacon without it turning a ghastly shade of black. Not that Blarry minded; he loved burnt bacon.  
"Hurry up, snot-face! I want to open my presents!" Fudley yelled at Blarry who was getting splattered with oil and doused in the smell of burning pig. Fudley turned to his ugly father.  
"How many are there?!" Fudley asked and glared at the mounds of specially wrapped goodies and boxes.  
"42! I counted them myself!" Uncle Vermin said, a wide grin spread across his face, as if expecting a pat on the back for his 6 year-old-level numeracy skills.  
"Only 42?! Last year I got 67!" Fudley yelled and threw an expensive blue china vase on the floor.  
"But, Fuddy-dear, we were going to buy you 26 more presents when we go to the zoo, okay?" Aunt Balloonia coaxed and turned to Uncle Vermin who snorted.  
_He gets 68 presents and to go to the zoo? Lucky bastard! I'm lucky if I get a fake plastic penny on my birthday… _Blarry thought and found himself stabbing the strips of bacon.  
"Blarry, you silly boy! What are you doing?" Uncle Vermin bellowed, his face swelling and generating a vibrant shade of crimson.  
"Cooking the bacon," Blarry replied and concentrated on looking at the fatty strips.  
"WELL STOP MASSACRING IT THEN!" Uncle Vermin cried, then got up and blew his nose violently into a patterned handkerchief. Blarry began poking the bacon instead and watched the smoke rise out of it.  
"I'm not waiting ANYMORE!" Fudley cried and seized a particularly large gift and began to strip it of the expensive wrapping. Fudley's eyes widened in shock as they lay upon a board game called _Scene It.  
_"I got this last year!" he yelled and stamped his feet. Blarry laughed under his breath. Fudley got so many presents that Uncle Vermin and Aunt Balloonia never remembered what he had received. They had asked Blarry to help do the shopping – which he did with great reluctance – and formulated the idea to re-wrap a previously given gift. Aunt Balloonia and Uncle Vermin who had terrible memories at times, forgot that they had already given him the game. Their terrible memories also explained the "11 Today!" card that sat on the mantelpiece, and the reason why Fudley still lived there.

"I want a different one!" Fudley cried and threw the box across the room. Blarry smirked and turned back to the crisping bacon. Aunt Balloonia trotted into the kitchen and started scooping out the bacon into a dish that matched the tiles.  
"Let's have some breakfast then, shall we?" she said and carried the dish to the table. Fudley sat down, in a huff. Uncle Vermin stopped reading his paper. And Blarry stood purposelessly in the kitchen.  
"Go fetch the mail, boy!" Uncle Vermin ordered and Blarry walked up to the front door and picked up the letters from the doormat.  
"Uncle Vermin… Uncle Vermin… Uncle Vermin… Aunt Balloonia… Uncle Vermin… Blarry Hotter… Wait! What?" Blarry muttered as Uncle Vermin seized the other letters from his hand, unknowingly leaving Blarry with his letter. Blarry turned the letter over and found a red wax stamp in the shape of a crest on the flap of the envelope. He turned the letter back over to read the address.

_Master Blarry Hotter  
Staircase Cupboard  
No. 4 Hedge Bush Drive,  
Small Whining,  
London_

Blarry glared at the print; he had never received any mail, ever. Fudley noticed Blarry had something in his hand.  
"DAD! Blarry's got something!" Fudley cried and ran over to Blarry who ran away from him.  
"Give it here boy!" Uncle Vermin cried and got up to seize the letter.  
"It's _b_ine! It's addressed to _b_e!" Blarry yelled and tried to open it while running which failed. Fudley crash-tackled him in the sitting room and Uncle Vermin grabbed the letter.  
"I'll be keeping this!" Uncle Vermin said in triumph and walked, chest out, back to the table.  
"It's _b_y letter!" Blarry screamed.  
"It's mine now!" Uncle Vermin retorted and ripped it open. His eyes fell on the parchment, scanned across it, and finally ripped up the letter and threw it into the fireplace.  
"WHY _P_ID YOU _P_O THAT? I _P_IDN'T EVEN GET TO READ IT!" Blarry yelled, angry that the only letter he had ever received had been destroyed in front of his very eyes, just moments after he received it.  
"It was not important, that is why!" Uncle Vermin replied serenely and looked cautiously at Aunt Balloonia. Blarry fumed. _Why would Uncle Vermin rip up the only letter he received? _There was only one reason that would make Uncle Vermin rip up a letter like that. There had to be something he deeply despised behind it. Blarry's eyes widened in amazement. There was only one thing that Vermin Durr-Silly hated more than Blarry Hotter, owls and overcooked bacon.

_Magic!_

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_**Please review!**

**.KG.**


	2. Mysterious Letters

Here's chapter 2! Disclaimer: I don't own anything!

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**Chapter Two – Blarry Hotter and the Monotonous Cone – Letters**

After going to the zoo, Blarry realised something; he could understand snakes! The other thing he noticed was that his cousin Fudley was so fat that he could fall through a window without smashing it! Amazing! But, since Fudley Durr-Silly did fall through the window and coincidentally in the pool of water that the snake Blarry was talking to, was living in, Uncle Vermin immediately accused Blarry of performing some sort of magic or "tomfoolery" in his words. Blarry had no idea why Uncle Vermin always accused him of causing bad things to happen, even if Blarry did his sad puss-in-boots eyes.

"Get to your ROOM BOY!" Uncle Vermin boomed at Blarry who ran through the front door, tripping over the new found pile of yellowed parchment envelopes on the door mat. Fudley had a large pink towel around him and Aunt Balloonia was rubbing his arms to warm him up. She was rubbing them so fast, she almost started a fire. Blarry laid down on his makeshift bed of a thin foam camping mattress and a sheet and tried to go to sleep, only to interrupted by the booming voice of Uncle Vermin.  
"WHY ARE THEY WRITING AGAIN!?" Uncle Vermin yelled and Blarry heard the ripping of the letters at the front door.  
"Blarry! What the hell did you do to Fudley?" Uncle Vermin sneered.  
"I _p_idn't _p_oo anything! He just fell through the window! It was like _b_agic-", Blarry said.  
"There's no such thing as MAGIC!" Uncle Vermin yelled and slammed the hole in the door shut.  
But, even though Uncle Vermin was adamant that there was no such thing as magic, Blarry couldn't help but think there was such a thing; surely the town magician wasn't making it all up? Besides that, the letters kept shooting through the letter shaft like a machine gun of letters. That was different to normal as well.  
Uncle Vermin tried everything to get rid of them; burning them, ripping them, throwing them out, eating them, shredding them, giving them to the neighbour's dog, soaking them in water… The only thing he didn't try was letting Blarry read them. This was why they kept on coming.  
"And tonight on the news, flocks of owls have been spotted nesting in Small Whining, London. Animal behaviourists cannot explain this unusual habitual pattern, but instead believe that they are 'going on holidays for a change'. Here we have-"  
Aunt Balloonia was knitting in front of the television as Uncle Vermin grasped his newspaper tightly and Fudley sat with his hands seizing chocolates inside a box that he was holding as if they would run away if he didn't grab them. Blarry sat like a normal person in the two seater next to Fudley and watched the news.  
"The house is on the TV," Blarry muttered and all four of them looked at the screen. Uncle Vermin's eyes widened in shock and he waddled over to the curtains, drew them back and saw that there were flocks of owls sitting in his manicured yard, on his car, the letterbox and shrubs; each of them held a letter in their mouths. Uncle Vermin let out a vociferous roar of fury and trekked to the front door to shoo them away. It is fortunate for Blarry that Uncle Vermin's yells and screams failed in shooing the eager birds. Actually, the owls all decided at once to fly into the house and deliver their letters personally. In a mess of feathers, parchment, arms and Uncle Vermin's moustache hair, the owls terrorised the house with a shower of envelopes causing a sort of papery hurricane. Blarry in amidst of screams and letters, he managed to grab one and run up the stairs in an attempt to read it. Uncle Vermin obviously saw him and charged after him.

"GET BACK HERE BOY! YOUR NOT GOING TO READ THAT LETTER!" roared Uncle Vermin.  
"Oh yes I am!" Blarry screamed and ran into the toilet. Uncle Vermin smashed down the door with his humongous foot, got stuck in the hole because of his humongous bum and yelled at Blarry with his humongous voice box. He seized the letter from Blarry Hotter's sweaty hands and flushed it down the toilet. Blarry retreated down the stairs to capture another, only to find that Fudley and Aunt Balloonia had scooped them all into a big plastic rubbish bag.  
"That's IT! We're MOVING!" Uncle Vermin yelled.

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Review please!


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